Absense

Did you know that brain functioning generally takes 2 hours after waking up to reach its normal level? That means that right now I am dyslexic and can't type, and no, it's not my imagination. (or yours) Now I have much less friends. fewer?

I just wrote "race horsing" in an email to my friend.

just like nico wrote "sail boating".

I also talked to dave on the phone. He's exactly the SAME (no offense). Some one so obsessed with control and superiority at age 19 is sure to be a fucking wreck at age 25.

No offense but you're exactly the same.

well, i've been reading many other peoples' blogs. and apparently, they are filled with emotional and coherent thought. Happiness and frustration is documented in their blog. I thought "why isn't mine normal?" and it's true; it's the language of a lunatic, makes no sense and says nothing. So today I will write a normal entry. (try to).

Today I was on the phone with the health care agency. AND with a college. However, I hung up on the girl when she said "graduate admissions" I hung up because I was too scared & didn't know what I was going to say. Then, I called back but it was busy.

then I ignored my downstairs neighbor because he has been rude and didn't return my urgent phone messages. Then, I felt dizzy and I lay down in my bed and felt like I might faint. Well, blood was rudhing to my head and face at the store when I stood up quickly. I had to grab hold of the bed post which was for sale. Then I took a vitamin (2) and ate a peach. (nectarine).

Then, I talked to my friend and am gonna go over to her house tomorrow. Then, I talked to my other friend while she was riding on a bus. We talked about alot of things that are keeping us alive.

Also, earlier in the day I hallucinated that I saw a parking ticket on my car. ACTUALLY: I hallucinated the parking ticket. A few moments of fear, then acceptance. There goes another $15 bucks. Then I saw that it was just the reflection of the sun in the shape of a parking ticket. Then, I made nachos which were not bad. (really good) Then I saw Phinehas on the street but he didn't see me. (I said hi though).

Then I thought about J.G who has Christian Rock music playing on her myspace profile. Then I thought about France. (like every day) and the beautiful woman from Arizona who met her frenchie husband and now writes Francophile novels in coffeshoppes in the South of France. "Living the dream".

I also thought about how an Arab woman named "fatima" applied to a billion jobs in France and nothing. Then she changed the name on the resume to "Christine" and was called in for an interview.

Someone was recently at a Minnesota wedding where the couple had their first kiss on the altar. Make sense? Yeah, apparently it's that book "I kissed dating goodbye" which says that when you meet your future husband, God just tells you it's him and you get married. The premise is that in every relationship we have, a piece of our heart is removed so that by the time we meet our future hubbies, we have nothing left in our heart. So consoling. The secret here is: My mom bought me this book (Bless her heart). but what if your future husband doesn't believe in God and thinks you are a psycho?

Ok, thanks for reading and come again!
xo

happy birthday Jeanne Moreau (yesterday)

why do i love - jeanne moreau

January 24th National Suicide Day (today)

I'm about to kill myself for a variety of reasons: one of which being that I need to buy a USB cable for my printer. # 2 being that my room is a mess. third and lastly being that in my dream last night Chase bank sent me a check for $231 dollars; it was just a dream. (its not even my bank)

Now le'ts all join hands now for all of mankind standing on a bridge; be it the williamsburg bridge (NC) or the Amherst Bridge spanning the Connecticut River. Be it the Kingston Bridge (NY) or the Tampa-Clearwater (FL) Land Bridge (not that high). (FYI- the bridge would never be my method). (stomach too sensitive).

yes, everyones' hands are cracked and our elbows too. We are at the end of our rope. One more night of snow and being hours late for work because our cars were buried in the snow. You'd buy a USB cable but maybe the hardware closes in 5 minutes. and you'd be better at your job if you weren't thinking about sex every FIVE MINUTES. (and you work with kids, you sicko).

Bari used to tell me "if you are EVER considering.... (the unmentionable)... you can call me at ANY HOUR of the day or night"... she got knocked up though & now never returns my calls. (motherhood has changed her life).

happy birthday Jeanne. If your life ended today we'd all need kleenex to blot our eyes.

Ok. this isn't all I think about. For example:

S. is a true misogynist. Here is why: he was telling me about his mother, saying that she is perfect; too perfect actually. She cooks perfectly, she is perfectly dressed, her house is perfect.

Enough to make you BARF huh.

misogyne. (or just gay?)

Misogyny begins in the womb.

OR: the way D. tells me about the teacher in Calais who had acid thrown on her face. (Is this just folklore?) Yeah: battery acid apparently. The way you said it though, was not serious enough, did not take the fragility of human life seriously. maybe she was dreaming of croissants and romance atop le tour eiffel. and in Calais, a "beach" resort town.

maybe I am too hard on you. (I hate you for the *way* you told a story?)

Or that bitch Rebecca who couldn't even look at me in the eye on the bike path in RURAL FRANCE. I said "Hello" (it's human decency of course). That ugly bitch with a lime green jacket and wild for you- Nasty diseased New Zealand. your soul mate.

yeah maybe I'm too hard on you (asshole.)

women definitely should be pregnant and in the kitchen. Barefoot as well.

I personally will be spending some time loitering in front of the Italian Embassy. *Excuse me, do you have the time?* Because my damn watch broke.

Of course no one wants to work for it. But if I don't work for it there is just some thirty something health food market regular on the verge of tears in a Border's parking lot saying he would like to see me again. And that he didn't realize I was so young. but we can maybe really work out. If I don't work for it there is a special ed teacher asking the Superintendent for my phone number. So much for confidentiality.

So I need to work for it. New York is better for this. There are the Embassies. there is the subway. There is higher education. there is other stuff.

Today I went to the store. (no I didn't). I bought rice flour for my CUPCAKES because it's my friend's birthday (no it's not). Then I bought FROSTING but made sure to read the label for any dairy ingredients. Thankfully, there were none! Just chemically modulated forms of milk. Then, I bought leeks because I want to thin my body. Then, I made sure that the ice creams were buy one get one free. (They were!) so I bought three. I asked the cashier if I could get two free and he said "ok". I also asked him if he could give me a discount. for being a frequent shopper and publicity spokesperson. He was like "ok". So then I was like 'wait' I need to buy asparagus. he rolled his eyes because there was a big line. but it didn't matter because he had already put my discounts into the register so the people had to wait. so I went over to the vegetable place and bought 3 bags of carrots. because I am making a facial clay with real carrots. (isn't that disgusting?) so then finally I was like "I'm ready" "you can check me out now". so he was like "can I see some form of ID" and i thought 'that's weird" because I go in there every day, and I also had not bought alcohol. so I took out my wallet and showed him my Learner's Permit. He was like "I'm sorry ma'am but youll need to step aside here." and a policeman came out of the woodwork. He said "you have the right to remain silent; anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law" I was like DOES ANYONE MIND TELLING ME WHAT IS GOING ON?? Then sargent Lou was like "we're just kidding" but I looked at the whole line of people and they weren't really laughing. So I paid for everything really quickly because I was pretty much freaked out. I was scared because I almost forgot my Learner's Permit. I thought those people were serious. Obviously I didn't do anything wrong! Except ask for two free ice creams for the price of 0. Anyway so then I just walked home even though my bags were really heavy. Then I went to bed. That is what I did today and tomorrow I'll tell you what else I did yesterday. good night.

lesley is now married (eloped); derek is so annoying. (I gave him a hard time).
Matthew is still celtic/goth; lisa is dead weight (not my sister). she ate "mounds" all throughout her pregnancy and wrote all about in the baby diary. so baby corbin has a record of it. jenna is really cool; benjamin and michael babes (eat too much). aunt suzi is actually my cousin (apparently).

be strong.

this is a familiar situation. just knowing - a psychic
feeling - that you are about to be asked out - and
it's time to walk as fast as you can without looking
like you are speedwalking - into the girls' locker
room where obviously he cannot follow. (Whew). such a
nice guy too. (is it time to loosen up my gene pool
credentials)?

a book I am reading says that having a "type" is
actually a fetish. hell yeah; It's so true!

at the bard festival this older concert attendee said
i looked "progressive" like someone who wouldn't think
twice about dating someone old enough to be my
grandfather. i hid in closets and in dark stairwells.
i speedwalked. he called a few times and wanted to go
to tanglewood together. yikes. or odessa's mature
suitor who after numerous date propositions,
drowned himself in the Seine.

of course none of this could ever be prevented. in
their life you could live your life 3 times. (25 x 3= 75).

do you know what i mean when you are shivering from the inside? like, coldness generating from within? you know, when its not actually cold but your teeth are chattering or you are shaking? why does that happen?

there was a teacher at my old school who knew two words in english: "yes" and "no" so the only thing he would say to me was "yes" or "no" in response to something i said to him in perfect french.
AS IF I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY YES OR NO IN FRENCH.
does this also shock and amaze you?
it should! here's why:
-the assumption that if he said "oui" I would not understand and look to him, quizzically.
oh là là

in a relationshipthere is always a moment. a moment where you are going to separate or not. even if you stay together for the next 5 years you are separated. the moment with h. was the glass throwing incident, for example. the moment with dd was the day the inspecteur came in and yelled at me. you come home crying, you know, and that person cannot reach you. you have moved onto the next step. they could join you but they won't. or you don't want them to. or the moment he graduates from yale law with big smile and a diploma. college sweetheart in tow. smile for the camera. the pain, for example, is the awareness that he will not be joining you as you advance to the next step. (it's so painful). (unless of course he's a "jerk").

it's so incredible, this psychic moment.

apparently ceryss saw me crying on the street walking through town. she went home and told all of her friends (generating intrigue and obsession) and dd's incessant texts about "why" i was crying walking around town. I frankly did not even know why. (I didn't know I would be quizzed on it later).

it is why I will gladly work in town. Just like in bedford hills, when the crazy lady would stare me down by the fire hydrant. she would stalk me in her bike and at the same time every day meanwhile I would go into the hispanic deli and flirt with Jose. I used to think "one crazy person staring down another crazy person". She was crazy. but maybe she thought "that woman is crazy; just look at her." the ultimate misunderstanding. she thought why is that woman staring me down. every day a crazy woman stared me down. She rode her bike like a preschooler. (going nowhere; on a goddamned business day in bedford hills).
today the fire dept. took down the florence christmas wreath from the main light in town (there is one). it was a big event; a man with no teeth looked up and took notice. a woman looked up and then went into the post office. I looked up and wondered why four firemen needed to be just standing there. (I also wondered if any of them are cute) (and wondered if maybe I should become a firefighter). (probably a good way to meet guys).

saturday always my headache day.

Will do anything to get Maria's voice/face out of my head.

as we get older, I realized the pool of insults gets deeper. You can cut people up. No more 'your hair is weird' more like "You have no soul" ('everyone agrees').

Remember those two in high school used to pray to the Holy Father before their make-out sessions. (shirt stays on, you prude)

They're getting inside my head again (despite new year's resolutions and spiritual awakening). spiritual asleepening

I have been sitting indian style for days. or 20 minutes.
Things are running out; bottle of pills and deadline approaching.
"michael" the father of this kindergartener; well his son comes in for her birthday. (cute) (20something). but same well-dressed thin/model type as always. (Aren't I over it?) (aren't they over it?) Bring on the fatty/ tubby types. watches sports/ tells good jokes. makes me feel really... TALENTED.
tuning into the irony streak. Be open to coincidence. Phone call to happen at 9.
Could you believe both my car doors were frozen shut this morning?
Sorry I don'ttell you anything "about" me anymore.

I have it down to a science. 1. boil water
2. salt water
3. add pasta ($$)
4. hang out; wash lettuce; grate parmesan ($$); salad dressing.
5. decide pasta is done.
6. strain.
7. add sauce to pan. heat lightly.
8. pour over parmesan.
9. add pasta.
10. Eat.
(After many humiliating moments...)

I need to shower but it is TOO COLD TO!

shovelling

snow walking

bank

wet checks

resolution: to not cheapen my highs and lows. details are sacred.

Your boyfriend is the man that is on your side. He says "Don't worry, everyone around us is crazy-- except us". and you are like "Exactly".
"I was just about to say that".
"that's so ironic!"
"we're so compatible".
'stop looking so cute'.
"no; you stop"
"No".

even your best friend since preschool you are at each other's throat. It's unbelieveable. I won't call you all day because i don't want to wake up at the crack of dawn to do yoga. Finally you call at 11. I say that is "unprofessional" to call someone at 11 pm for 8 am plans. Plans, I have to add, which mostly have to do with me getting my butt out the door a half hour than you have to be up to be in your driveway honking (I wish, I have to come in and deal with everyone). Plans you are just waiting on other people to get rolling. It's no skin off your back. Yep, there is no problem. But in your voice it is unmistakeable. I've known you forever! Look, I'm the same rotten person as always. Remember how I lied about how I don't want to eat matzo ball soup (even at Passover). Because, I'm a vegetarian, me from my conservative knows how to obey boundaries irish catholic family. And you need to know what about meat I don't like. And you need to know if it's out of vanity. And you need to know why I won't eat it it's a goddamn holy day. You barely fall short of taking x-rays and getting blood samples and checking my bank balance.