Absense

My offical nightmare: Turn out to be too depressed or paralysed by fear that I can't make it through the day or grad school or anything. Work in the basement of a library; live in my parents' basement.

on the radio they were saying that in pagan society halloween is a new year celebration. Everyone comes to the bonfire with an object they've intuited to symbolise something of the past year they would like to shed. And they burn it. My symbolic object: all the nasty half-laughable clothes I have worn in the past year, including a pair of levi's that just never worked. all $30 bucks worth. also; a bottle of booze. that is pure symbolism.

Your life must make sense to people; Otherwise they are confused.

I have been thinking of publishing a book of Maximes (is that the word) ala la Rochefoucault. I think it would be a hoot; lets give it a try.

1) Medication wilt not slice through personality.

2)

3) Never make his life a porn movie; Thou shalt regret.

I can't think of #2.

you use your spirituality to break into my sexuality; you are dirty. You break your Ramadan fast to do kissy kissy but you don't drink. You're disgusting. Or it's me that's disgusting. Yes, it's me.

A little reverie of a dream job that will open due to retirement. This is where my personality kicks in. Once you have me around, how can you live without? That is what I'm trying to convey. I'm such a blast; nothing offensive or weird or old-fashioned about me, you know, not like the current teacher. (place face here)

A blind man crosses the street. It is pouring rain. You make me laugh and spit cool aid out of my mouth. My active ankle came in the mail; Now I can play volleyball in joy. I thought, Gee, i am crazy about volleyball in a way that makes me insane. Like Kimmy clark, those blotches all over her toothpick legs. You are so ugle. ugly. But I hugged you fakely. You threatened to retire due to us; because we lost all the time. The Mazzotta era was over; D.C's boobs so big we couldn't see over the net. She said, "Guys, I can't take it anymore," One of us stifled a laugh. Most of high school was spent concealing laughter, come to think of it. Trying so hard not to laugh. Or asking to be excused and going in the girls room. to laugh.

You have a great personality: people always want to be near you and are always calling.
I have a bad personality: no one is banging down my door. and its better that way. I do always have an undercurrent of anger boiling under my skin. Think of yannick and his fake hellos. and his wife: "fuckable" someone called her. This kind of misogyny cannot be tolerated. This is where feminism has gotten us: Men can act like assholes and children. Because, hey, we're all the same. Don't bring me down to your level.

You walk into a room and you address only him.

the ladies in the graveyard.

think maybe my dream man is actually a big dumb idiot. I will have to talk down to him; dumb down everything I say. Hey, its true. Dark horse himself was dumb, if truth be told. Intellectual capacity: grim. Takes no risk. Prendre aucune risque. The only motivating fear: being discovered for who you really are. by parents, wife, tous ceux. And this guy drove me crazy, can you believe that. crazy for him!!! crazy 4 u

the ladies in the graveyard got their maiden name.

Last academic year I worked paraprofessionally in a French public school district, teaching English at the primary grade level. France is a country that, frankly, does not embrace its Multiculturality as much as America, mostly because I think immigration from Northern Africa has in recent years become very widespread. It is very much a heated topic in French society. In a classroom setting I regularly saw students being reprimanded for speaking Arabic amongst themselves, and the widely-known religious controversy played out before me very often. I was for example asked to not wear a modest necklace advertising my religious affiliation. It is a cultural debate that unfortunately affects the youngest members of society very deeply. I see schools as mini-societies that absolutely correspond to Adult life, and should prepare its members adequately for Adulthood. The founding fathers of our country worked very hard to establish free, public education available to everyone. As a public school its very essence is one of diversity and equality for each child. Its duty is to provide a balanced experience for each member. It would be defying the very essence of America to not provide an indiscriminatory, balanced, equitable, and respectful environment for learning. The result of providing this education is educating a new generation of people that undoubtably will influence the future state of our society. I personally wondered, while in France, the long-term effect on a student of being constantly reminded, in front of peers, that he or she is "other" and very different compared to their French classmates, and even to avoid any affiliation with his or her religion or language spoken at home. I believe that this process of cultural detachment absolutely translates to a student's world outlook and definitely on his or her academic progress through the post-secondary level.

I almost forgot I had a blog. Remember the look in mrs. schoenberg's eyes as she reported that K.M, top 10 contender and daughter of prom queen, had trouble finding a job can you believe that avert eyes. No, I can't believe it. tension tension tension tension
Monday. 2 pm. tb test. thursday. 2 pm. tb read. tomorrow: wake up at the crack of dawn to not get paid.

"mais non" "si" "non" "si si si si" "n importe quoi"

what was his name? who knows.

comme tu veux. I don't.

My favorite place to be when I have nowhere to be.

Sleeping with princess. I got up to close the window and felt the feeling like I was actually in bed with my lover. I felt princess like "when are you coming back to bed" thoughts are so simple. "oh she's just closing the window" 'She looks cute in her underwear'

sunday. nothing is going right. right. right. right. right.

the way she talks when she's spoken to

Which is more serious: fucked or doomed?

now I am 'clean' and have a great time; just bubbly perrier for me. I feel like i've survived some horrific part of adolescence/twentyhood. I feel that I can concentrate more on the party at stake. and, no, no superiority complex.

Heard from Kath. Said she 'blushed' when this guy she totally wasn't interested in mentioned his girlfriend. And suddenly was overcome with an awkward, stupid feeling. Ain't it hard being the prettiest girl in the room. Always suspected of wrongdoing. Naughty motives. Sly tactics. Get your eyes off my boyfriend honey.

Ok, vibes and crushes. Remember the fast talking sharp tongued one from a few years ago. There is a similar type. I get the impression 'fast' being the key trait. so fast he's gone in a blink. And why, after years of aquiring wisdom. this type still allures me. it is probably the antithesis to my ideal partner. So impossible. and cars are still linked to forlorn crush/love. Remember the volvo, the saturn, the toyota, the alfa romeo.

Remember how I said "I have no memory" a few days back. Well I wondered if that made you envious: of something I don't have! ha ha ha, pretty funny!

friday night dinner. where did the day go. I prayed to God to avenge my shopping sins. I literally prayed.

well we broke up. we hated each other too much.

we couldn't stand each other.

I am the type that sees life as incredibly dangerous. I live like I'm ready for a hurricane to hit me and knock me dead. I am ready to dig my grave. and write my epitath. Look what killed her; No one's surprised. I'm surprised when I make it through the day sometimes. Like; it's a miracle. every day in france was really hard I would think "it took courage to be me" but even that is too nice. It took a real asshole to be me.

I just spoke with a woman who has a bald spot. You know when you just find a woman who maybe struggles; my shallow brain thought, "How does she get men in bed with her?" She doesn't. when you think of the scary social scenes you navigate. so many complex mind games to be played. And if I had a bald spot maybe I wouldn't have a chance.

I don't even have a chance as it is. Man, It's a joke.

Various degrees of being 'doomed'. For many years the concept of being "doomed" has haunted me.

In high school in the basement of someone's parent's condo, one of my friends fucked Gio Cacciapoli. Our other friend was sleeping, or pretending to, 5 yards away. She told me it was traumatic to see "that side" of our friend. I know what you mean. Same thing with Madge fucking Alex not remembering poor celibate Nicci sleeping on the floor. In my dreams I see a side of my friends I would rather not. Even to the point of 'fucking' impossible as it may be. Bizarre.

Have had no inner monologue for a few days. Last night I was in a sort of heaven. I have no memory. I look at people I used to know, or know of. and I refuse to recognize them. I half smiled at a girl yesterday. I can be so nice. I ostracized a stranger cruelly, in front of people, who has probably spent half his life feeling ostracized and different. What the fuck is wrong with me? Our lifestyle is breeding ground, for this type of thing.

I cannot differentiateanything now. Big lifestyle change and I can't feel what has changed. The first few days I was like "this is great". The last thing I remember was sitting on my bed telling her how great it was. I was halfway wasted. Driving is a challenge too. I have to stay in control of myself. I spent alot of time thinking of my $100 dollar bill disappearing. Gee whiz you think one of these days I could cash it. but for now it's in my condom drawer.

Make like a foetus and abort
Make like an abortion and feed us

- 16 bitch pile up

I hope the reference doesn't offend anyone. These days I don't say crude things. any curse word is fine except for vulgar woman curses.

What's wrong with you? this lady yelled at my car because I disobeyed the crosswalk. Ok, where should we start lady? This is what's wrong with me; That I didn't think there was anything wrong with plowing you over in the street on your way to see your overachieving son at prep school. What's wrong with me? Good fucking question; that is the question on my mind every damn day of my life, I wake up and that is my mantra every morning as I rise to the radio alarm. What the fuck is wrong with me? That I thought it was cool to run over pedestrians on my way to fuck myself up on chemicals and cocaine and booze. I don't think anything is wrong with me you stupid fuck, in fact just the fact that I haven't sent my overachiever to private school, and I haven't navigated my husbands checking account, yet. I'm not the one that trusts the world not to run me over in pouring rain. What's wrong with you? Is that a trick question?

Brain is really slipping. Today I couldn't for my life spell "Substitute" all my brain was signalling to me was that substitute seemed pretty similar to 'prostitute' or 'destitute'. This is my thought process at a place of learning for children. So I simply wrote "Sub" obviously having erased 'stitute' with a No. 2 pencil. It was a toss-up between that and "Subsitute" as in like, subsidize.

No cute guys anywhere. I miss my foreign lover. Miss having europeans falling over me drunk on bottles of rum.

Dreamed of a cock-between-my-legs, O damned light-of-day -- virginia woolf

Feel I may fall asleep in car. Joyous sense of purpose happening this morning rising at 6:45. So sweet I could cry. I wish I was exagerrating. I couldn't remember the word "Apron." Losing my pebbles. I once had more-than-a-deck-of-cards.

in other news does my friend listen to a word I say. I tossed in these details you would have to be half deaf to miss. And he did. Mostly whatever concerned him he hears. I too am having listening problems. A man told me "They pay 60 bucks a day" I blurted out 'thats good' he goes "No, it's not" making me look like a retard who has no concept of money. Hey, 60 bucks a day, i'll go buy myself a few drinks ay. I often have to ask the same question in succession; "did you know that today is my birthday" Oh, I didn't hear you singing happy birthday the first time and the whole block was invited. And I ate a whole cake and the candles almost burned the whole house down. No, I don't remember the fire department showing up or the cable guy coming in and saying "escuse me". No, I wasn't listening; I didn't notice the house burnt to a crisp.

kathligne. Love her.

I was the 2nd cleverest girl in the class and we were such good pals, we were in the same groups for everything, always together in and out of school. We were the class geeks. Around the age of 10 I became horribly aware of this pejorative label and i wanted out of the Kathleen and Emily club. I was ashamed to be a geek. I wanted to befriend the cool girls. I have an image in my memory of Emily sitting by herself in the playground while i looked on from my new group. Daaaaammmmn i was cruel. Ever since then i think ive been trying to shed the geeky label, trying to be a cool girl. My high school friends were all bright too, our group was kind of inbetween, cool but swats. We hated the swatty label and we rebelled, but we all got high grades. Becoming aware of this...hold on..is that a good looking fella i can see checkin for books overthere?? i can only see half of him so i cant tell yet..it could just be..theres a good few around..i spotted one last night in the line to get into a talk..one o'those wohh who's he?? moments. I took my seat in the hall and began to scan for him. I couldnt see him so gave up and realised he was right in front of me, what are the chances hey, and i chose my seat myself when i booked the ticket. It was fated. He disappeared out the door at the end without so much as looking round...

Lock up your boyfriends at night ladies.

Oh man. There is no graceful way to do it. Not call a guy back when you made plans with him. You just stopped wanting to go out to "dinner"; or your desire was probably fake the whole time. fake fake fake. And the dude is leaving the country in two days. I guess I knew what was coming, what was going to happen. He would elaborately clear his throat to make a speech, accentuating the importance of his speech by saying my name "tami". Point A. I just thought, you know, I've always liked you tami. Stop right there; Stop right there. I don't want to hear another word. Here's 5 bucks. Getchyourself a cab. I will just order a bubble mint tea with beer mixed in. He doomed himself when he called am and pm. like : tami, I hope you are having a nice night tami and; I just had a great meal with Annika's parents and; I hope you have a good day and; I don't know what youre doing today tami but a bunch of us are going canoeing and; now I live in a nice big room and I was wondering.. Three minute voice mail will not do. My ear gets bored.

Shut the fuck up; I don't understand what youre saying anyway; Come back when you're ready to shut your mouth.

Ready to sob their eyes out. Wants to go take a bath and sob their eyes out.

friendster is no joke the scariest place on the Earth now. so many scandalous faces.
Don't look at me, I almost said to this dude. Well don't.

Now I hate everything everything everything everything everything I type into this damn gosh-forsaken blog. Now It's fucked. fucked. fucked. fucked. fucked. fucked. Maybe if people think I am crazy enough they will stop reading it.

Walked through the Easthampton cemetary. Someone was named "Goodenough" ... Many 20 year old mothers from the 1800's. Had the urge to have a Maiden name suddenly; on legal documents I would like to write: née: Devine and a funeral plot with my good solid husband; So many good years we had together, me and Hal, why is that the first name I could conjure?, I fell in love with my man in a heartbeat; our first son died of Typhillus though. Buried him on Easter Sunday our little one. I was never the same and good Hal knew it; We tried to have another but. Thank the Lord we were blessed with good neighbors and a community; and a church on the corner every day I prayed there, even in the days after Hal passed on, he died of pneumonia after the bitter winter of 1903, my dear Halliston. I never loved again.