Absense

in as few words as possible

*bonne année*

I must have had steam to blow off. And you got my wrath you poor thing. Because, you said "would you like to go to the restaurant tomorrow?" and I thought you meant like, a date. So I said "ok" even though I thought it was weird. After all, you do have that famous swimmer's body. And you smiled at me from across the dining hall which I also thought was weird. And then things snowballed. And I felt totally dicked over. Because; you didn't actually mean "restaurant" as in a real "restaurant". You meant the dining hall. Because its the same word in french. Can you see where I am coming from. The nastiest place on Earth is the dining hall. And it turns out you didn't mean it anyway. I would have hated every moment of it. Like "oh could you get me some salt" to add to this crusty piece of fish leftover from yesterday because they wouldn't give me the Muslim food (egg). My stomach distending just thinking of eating that while you ask me what I think of France. You cut correctly, I just drop my face against my plate. Lick up whatever is there. Hey, there may be a famine tonight. And if I don't smuggle 5 packs of cheese under my pants I'll goddamned starve. I saw you walking home from a weekend at your parents'. It was your typical Sunday afternoon; Me walking along the canal like every other Sunday. You wore a big backpack.

I refuse to write an address under "emergency contact". You know? Like: "dear Ms. _____, your daughter was in a bad accident about 5 minutes ago. She fell on some ice and broke open her chin and broke her arm. She is in critical condition. The doctor has said she will probably be dead within a few hours. Please send a SASE back to us as soon as possible." "We are also sending a letter to emergency contact #2 in case you don't receive this." I refuse, refuse, refuse, refuse!!!!

Andrea mentioned the job again.

She told me not to mention Martine's __learning disability__ to anyone. She goes "this stays between us". I was like okay. I mentioned it to a colleague and I was like don't tell anyone especially andrea. She was like I won't. I was like ok. I was like this stays between us. so don't mention it to anyone. She was like ok. I heard you the first time. I was like "good". So so far she hasn't mentioned it to anyone. If she did I would be like "everyone knows Martine has ____" or like "its so obvious." Know whatta mean. Or I'd be like "You never told me that." "You have some nerve sharing confidential information with me." and then i would like walk away.

nico
axel
jean-claude
martine
axelle
julien
flavien
lucien
aurélien
romain
marie-laure
mireille
brigitte
clotilde
claudette

are invited.

How do you manage such a big smile. At this time in the morning. how do you do it.
how do you do it.

Can you believe it.

Express what you need to express what you need to express.

I look so good. Damn; I'm a fox. I hope my hair doesn't get. messed up. fucked up. I look so good. I am so hot. Oh boy: I'm quite a sight to behold. Look at that cute hair and cool clothes. And: nice body. Damn! I'm a fox. I'm a gazelle. I'm a fawn (baby deer). I look amazing. Stunning. I am jawdroppingly beautiful. Close your mouth; gosh don't embarass yourself. Wipe your drool; what are you crazy. Pick your jaw up off the floor you fool. Actually, don't move. You have an eyelash under your eye. (Cry) (cry) (cry).

Can you believe it. Humanity. A man gave me 2 quarters for the parking meter. So I can go into the store. I will never forget you; not soon at least. I said just one is fine and you said "take two." Otherwise I'll get towed (not really). What a sweetheart. I think I'll write a letter to the editor about you. Dear Editor. Wait till you hear what happened to me. A man walked by me and saw the frown on my face and turned it upside down. He said "Do you need a quarter" and even gave me two. Can you believe it. I would like to offer him a gift basket. Full of organic skin essentials especially formulated for winter.

I'm trying something new; I think I get no jobs because people don't like my name. So, now I sign every document simply "Tami". Really big and a star above the "i" like it's an autograph. Pretty cool huh.

yogurt is now back to $1.19 at Cornucopia.

Today I have a big headache since I woke up. taking the coffee shortcut backfires.

A girl in my class misspelled "Third Grade" in our group project. She wrote "Thired". Can you believe it; She is so DUMB!!

Spoke with my dad twice today on the phone. He says our family minutes are about up.

I feel that I don't deserve anything. (my car for example). My dad paid for it after all and this is my life consciousness. ("I didn't pay for it" etc.)

Snow day too... etc.

you don't like it when i talk alot.

long flowing hair
vs.
flesh exposed on neck
no turtlenecks allowed
just me, you, and the nape of your neck

Time to snuggle up for a story.

So. There was this guy I met in france who elected himself boyfriend of my life. For a while he was "in love" like getting jealous of any guy that looked at me. So romantic. One time he gave me a huge blue (beautiful) scarf from Morocco. He said "I have been thinking about you. I want to have a relationship with you." (Excuse my blunt translation). For effect he wrapped the scarf around my head. Like a real Muslim woman. I tried to say "It is impossible for us to be together" first because I could not understand a word he said. Second because I want to move back to the USA the land of big macs and hybrid toyotas. Third because I will never ever convert to Islam. Fourth because this boner poking into my leg is pretty much making me puke. My lack of attraction to him seemed to not be relevant in our courtship (or rather, our relationship). My feelings toward him were also INCONSEQUENTIAL.

So. One time he was like "Friday is my birthday." I guess I thought to myself like "Is this guy serious" like the writing was on the wall; how poorly matched we were. So Friday came and I was busy holed up in my room. I am sure he knocked and I couldn't take my eyes off the wall I was staring at so did not respond. Eventually he was like "You didn't even say happy birthday". I was like are you kidding me. So I was like "Happy Birthday" you big baby.

One time he was like "When is your vacation" I was like I don't know. Even though I knew exactly; I had two weeks off every month it seemed. He was like "Where do you want to go" on our like big romantic getaway. He was like "Sweden? The French Riviera? Denmark?" Although the Scandanavian countries, he pointed out, he would have to apply in advance for a VISA. I was like "I can go to any country I want" seeing the irony in the whole situation. Like, You: Speak arabic. Pray to Allah. Look like a terrorist. Me: Speak Inglish. Dresses poorly. Says embarassing things. A friendly American girl. A ball of fun!

Once he was commenting on the US's poor relationship with Syria. I was like "Where is Syria".

Guess what; he found out I had lied about not knowing when I had vacation and he was mad.

Fast forward to one weekend he comes back from Paris with a little charm of the Eiffel Tower. I think he bought it at the French equivalent of Claire's Boutique but I was like "Thank you". It was like the size of my pinky nail and fake gold. Yeah, just a charm. With no chain or anything. So I was like "How sweet of you." At this moment he starts to lash out. He has had it up to here with me. It all came out. He was like "You never get me gifts, and I buy you gifts all the time." the list goes on. However one offense was particularly naughty. He heard whatshisface's voice in my room late at night. "C'est quoi ca?" he's going. And "frankly," he speaks mostly by innuendo, "there are some things I have heard about you that..." Oh! Can we play Jeopardy on my life; Wait, let me guess the slutty things I have been up to Jalil. Was it ____'s dick you heard I have been sucking? Or, probably _____'s. I can't even remember; all the same to me! A dick for a dick in my country... AMERICA! I was like "Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain; for purple mountain's majesty; above the fruited plains!"

Anyway, back to the story. I guess that is it. He wrote me an email when I got home. I just cannot write back. It has been 7 months now and I will never write back to Abdel. That night he talked down to me like I was a scummy woman. His misogynist venom unmistakeable. Now; I have a memory of him. At this moment I have on the big blue scarf (it's gorgeous). And, you know, I hate to say it, but I still have the charm of the Eiffel Tower. Am I so cruel for dissing his present on the internet? No, his present sucked because of its motives! He wanted everything from me, my love, my ability to reproduce, my commitment to our family, my promise to be faithful to him and never degrade him. He lost me at "What is your favorite color". Because I think I said green anyway and he brings home this blue scarf. Probably from his running supply of fake gifts. I hope Allah will not punish me for slandering Abdeljalil on my blog.

faux ami
faux amis

My heart is empty; is yours?

I am walking around my room looking for a piece of a paper, a phone number, a CD-ROM, a pair of earphones, a crossword puzzle that if I don't do I will fail my class. This is depression. Millions of papers are buried underneath clothes and you can't bear to fold your clothes. You have so many clothes. You stuck an important phone number in one of your books. Who knows what book. This is depression. While youre searching for the phone number you imagine where you could be if you could find the phone number; you could be studying; on your way to success. But you are bent over sifting through a pile of clothes to find a phone number. If you find the phone number the number has been disconnected or the lady does not work there anymore. they say "Nadine who." You say nevermind and think "where was I". Oh yeah, back to slouching over looking for a piece of paper that you may have thrown out. Oh yeah, what is Jim's email address. I may have thrown it out as well. Maybe you threw it out. Back to slouching over sifting through a pile of papers and clothes. drama of the gifted child. I used to think "gee whiz, when I grow up I will need some one to take care of all my paperwork" administrative documents and the like. I thought it brought me further away from my pure artistic voice. Now, it brings me closer. It is the collision of the forces; the need to rebel, the need for the need to rebel. The need for a point of rebellion. Never let me draw away from civilastion in a cabin with no running water. I would go insane.

Ambition, you know, is not naturally ocurring. It is manufactured in the brain.

My ambitions are fake; but is there a way out.

There is a theory that nothing should be a struggle for us. If it is it is wrong for us. Our talents should come easily. Isabelle Huppert in an interview confessed that acting is incredibly easy for her. Embarassingly easy. In fact she could not think of one thing in her life easier than acting.

From the same people that brought you Pearl Harbor...

Happy Birthday Monsieur Président de la Republique

"You don't like my body any more" and I didn't need to ask because I knew it was true. I could have stopped speaking right there. I could have.

Byron said "Does anyone want any food" We were like "yeah", and then when I tasted it it was really good. even though I had already eaten alot.

Then Byron said "I am going out to 7 11 does anyone want anything" and we were like no.

Then Byron was like "I scored 610 on this test what did you score" I was like 101. It was an are you kinky test. On the bus from volleyball Ambika chose "truth" and we were like "what is the craziest place you had sex" and she said "on a bed." We were like oh.

Then Byron was like "How do I look" I was like "really good." he was like really.

Then Byron was like "I'm back" from 7 11 I was like did you get me a slurpee? He was like you didn't ask for one. I was like oh.

Then Byron was like "Good night Everyone" we were like "it's only 10:30!" he was like oh.

Then Byron was like "Is anybody hungry" I was like I am. He was like well I don't have any food" I was like then why did you ask me if I was hungry. He was like "I never said that". I was like yes you did.

Then Byron was like "Whats the funniest thing youve ever heard" I was like "i don't know" he was like "is it my jokes" I was like yes.

Then I was like "Good night" everyone was like "already" I was like yes. they were like "it's only 11" I was like the clock's wrong. they were like oh.

An old friend said "it is worrisome that someone with your talents is not in grad school" "it seems (maybe I'm wrong) that you have slipped into a sense of entitlement mixed with a sense of worthlessness". And that, it happens to alot of us. The two feeelings mixed into one. A unique blend.

Shut up. If you have nothing to say better yet.

I need to start showing off my legs. Such as; wearing a skirt and tights. For example. They are after all the hottest part of my body. It's truer than true!

*mmwah!*