Absense

grey shirt. grey pants. I felt deja-vu today in the Holyoke mall; Was I there once? with Jess in 2001? Was I there, or was it the Albany Mall? I ran into a professor but just locked eyes; didn't say hello. Who was this teacher? John Esposito? Someone Syracuse? Was it the Holyoke Mall at all. Have I ever even been there? Deja vu struck me particularly in H&M. I had a good shopping experience; wherever it was. with whoever.
This kind of thing happens I suppose because every mall is designed for the same gaping mouthed American consumer; Oh, there's an Abercrombie.
Jon & anna civilizing our apartment; kindof scary slash amazing. Plants all over the place. Now I have class; would rather read the paper.

What did you do last night? Oh, I plucked at my bikini line with a pair of tweezers.

you'll love this: A man was arraigned in Las Vegas for vehicular manslaugter after he plowed into a group of people with his car; killing 2. His statement to police: He did it because they were staring at him "like demons". from one crazy person to another. i know what you mean.

Ok, i have never felt so much like Pacman. like: refund check; impending doom postponed. Red flashing pacman turns back yellow.

watched a movie of people taking ecstasy; Phoebe Cates yelling at her best friend "you are not marrying a half-gay man; you are going to have your baby here in Beverly Hills" so much love and truth revealed. That guy was so gay. Their lives so shallow. Her an actress, He a writer. Such arcetypes, and brilliant 80's actors.

I used to think dave was so damn great. Until I met H. Until I met X. Always redefining better.

je suis nulle; t'es nul; il est nul; elle est nulle; on est nul; nous sommes nuls; vous êtes nuls; ils sont nuls; elles sont nulles. et puis voilà quoi. mais bon; enfin; et puis voilà, c'est tout quoi.

My money problems are not too glamourous. I used to glamourize my friend for being unemployed all summer long; she would tell me, my jaw dropped, that she had $30 bucks in her bank account, or was in the red. This did have a mystique to my 9-5 life, I imagined her up at all hours reading the paper, pouring coffee into her soup by accident, having to eat Goya everyday. She who can say the alphabet backwards... she who can say the french alphabet backwards. well, its becoming less romantic as I approach a financial state of emergency. But it'll be ok, something has to kick in. I'm waiting for my "refund" check; that will save my life. Otherwise, je suis une nulle.

dream last night I watched a plane crash while I was swimming. My lover still misspells my name. Blissful conversation with my friend last night. Always stay up late to hear the BBC say "hurrikin Rita" ; put on mascara before turning in.

Two idiots can fall in love; that's my theory.

Did anyone catch the New York Times article about how it seems women nowadays (all Ivy League 19 year olds) are choosing motherhood over career? The article was irrelevant; it was entirely classist and the newspaper should be ashamed. I literally felt sick reading it.

looking for a hottie to spoil. end quote. yesterday it all seemed clear.

why do you always gotta talk like a whore?

Because men like it

I think that you're right

God damn I remember watching my stockbroker boyfriend becoming obsessed with material lust before my eyes. I watched the look on his face as he bought a pair of Gucci sunglasses for $300. Watched it being charged to his amex. At this moment I am not obsessed with what money can buy. Have psychologists studied actually economic patterns; I spend more money on an organic acorn squash and organic ice cream and golean bars. I love supermarket shopping; I'll be my husband's worst nightmare won't I.

Was disappointed I thought I had found the x. look-alike american version; blond hair parted to the side, glasses, nondescript fashion, pocket protector type. He opened his mouth to speak and it was a struggle. Seems he has down's sydrome. For crying out loud. well, there goes my dream man.

"Want some gum" is the first thing he says to me. It's my friend's new boyfriend. I believe I watched him eat a sandwich and cereal "for dessert." In between chewing, slurping, and congested allergy sounds he managed to say something in monotone. For someone so intelligent she sure is easy to please. How come, this one is as bad as the last. In a different way. I watched half-horrified, as she showed me her new apartment they rent, with fake toyish furniature and "dragon blood" incense.. and thinking of their fake imaginary sexlife. She appears to me the same as a year ago, half-fake and I watch half-horrified. Fake kitchenware and fake job and fake holding hands. He is 27 with those 'baby' italian features. I ask "what is your heritage". Reminds me a little of how I had a little fake streak.

I see everything in sexualisms now. People leaving to have sex, people entering after having sex. Mostly leaving. I asked Jessi if strangers were on a first date. It didn't matter; they would later bone we inferred. If she was anything like us. People killing time before sexxing. Seeing my neighbors boning didn't help. Well, I just saw legs. But if you had a half a brain, you knew. I read an article in Psychology Today about how pornography is tearing couples apart, it said one seemingly perfect couple in Suburbia, USA had to talk with a therapist: He wanted a blow up doll, she wouldn't let him. And other unmentionables; kids may be reading. Imagine a plastic doll can satisfy your man better than you can, Lady.

I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk; I want to not talk. spent a bundle on textbook; hated myself for misrepresenting myself. Always sarcastic biting tami comes through. This is not me. As if I subconsciously drive those away I deeply dislike. deep down. I heard myself and hated it. Mrs. Schoenberg was the last person I wanted to run into at the supermarket. I saw then how divided I am. My parents never raised me to be a Jewish prom queen. So don't compete. Feel as though I may have teret's. Scathing insults come out of my mouth to strangers. "that's disgusting" I blurted out to someone coughing. He heard me loud and clear.

turn on: sexy lips
turn off: thinning hair
turn on: sexy eyes
turn off: conceited eyes.

Take your own advice. People are how they seem.

I didn't know sea turtles in Mexico were going extinct because men were eating them (their eggs) in hopes of being more virile.

spoke with odile on the telephone from my kitchen... wished so much I was sitting in her private school office and not in my gross kitchen. Am very mad a few grades are not on my transcript..

had to ditch V. again, the old bait and change-my-mind trick. First I mentioned I may be in town, then when he responded a bit too enthusiastically, had to break him off. That's how it goes.

At smith now with freaks and prudes.

Almost burst from happiness to see Molly a few weekends ago, really blows my mind.

Dropped a class.

this weekend: baignade.

Last night had my monthly date with Codeine. So good to me.

Phil called; like talking to a child.

I love to read the overachievers' wedding announcements in the ny times sunday styles.

oh dear; the academic world. Daydreamed through my first class and drew little circles in my notebook just like the old days. Instead made some lists:

Birthday wish list:
Motorola V188
nice linens

To do list:
close french bank account
send letter to Annys & Sandrine
apply to this or that.
get TBD husband to buy house off Nantucket.

I was walking with V. at Yale and he was telling me about how once he was walking late at night and he saw a girl being followed at a moderate distance by men. Long story short he later realized it was secret service agents and the girl in question was Barbara Bush. as he was telling the story as soon as her name was spoken, I swear someone turned and looked at us curiously..
I just saw Mrs. Bush on tv; her shirt was untucked and it looked like she was writing a text message. (maybe to her husband): "luvved last night; i'm your sex kitten 4-eva miaow" ... hehehe, is cnn reading this yet?

Am packing up my car/suitcase, so much easier than a transatlantic flight ay...

Dreamt of Kath's family, and x. was a chef de cuisine.

Scrubbed myself with sugar scrub, I now taste so good.

I'm going straight to hell, says my friend.

If you believe the hype.

well I have two friends that flat out hate Terri Gross, the wire-framed starlet of Fresh Air fame. I never thought about it, but listening to some of this week's interviews with hip hop artists like ice cube, ll cool j, rza, ?uestlove, she does grate on your nerves doesn't she. Below are some questions she scribbled down on an old bloomie's receipt she found in her purse in the prep room:
Q: Do you think rap is bad for white kids?; Do you possibly have kids you don't know about? How many women have you slept with?; What is it like being black?; Why do only black people get AIDS?; How many nigger children do you have?, etc. etc.


Allergies are really bad at my place... and man vibes... allergies get the worst of me.

I swam.

I honestly haven't laugh so hard since then... you are a riot.
it's ok though, according to cnn, it's only black thugs stranded down south. (whew) No white people thank God.
will be back sunday night for ... the sopranos.

split image
dead ringer