Absense

URL changed.

I am broke- I can't even afford a full leg & bikini wax.

I get lost- and call matt sobbing into the phone, until he says some jokes and then i am laughing and smiling into the phone.

I am also dirty- yep, I don't shower unless I "deserve it" - also a character trait among anorexics and sadomasochists. In fact, today I wore the same thing I wore yesterday (you had to be there!!!).



xtra extra read all about it

new york herald tribune

today i was living in a fantasia. well, because i was thinking about marshmallow fluff and peanut butter sandwiches. and, strawberry milk.

Today I got the brilliant idea to make a fluff sandwich and for cultural exchange purposes, take a photograph of myself making it, and send it to my pen pal Sandrine! Well, I made it, took a photo, but couldn't really eat it. My mom never gave me junk like that in my lunch boxes. So tonight was my first time ever. I remember in grammar school, I thought only the lucky or rich kids got to eat that for lunch. Now at my job, I see many kids eating it, and I have the same awe-struck feeling like "Did your mom really pack that for you?" I have to wonder how much persuasion or coercion is going on on behalf of children to get this in their lunch boxes. What parent really feeds their kid this? in their right mind?

what do you think of strawberry milk? A routine trip to the supermarket, where I was expecting to get some traditional adult items; milk, bread, yogurt. well turns out all I could focus on was the strawberry milk aisle. Yep, and I started thinking "how come they don't really make this?" Because they just had the tiny kids' size. so i bought a bunch (hormone-free organic of course).

Guess what, only americans say "a bunch."

Did you know that brain functioning generally takes 2 hours after waking up to reach its normal level? That means that right now I am dyslexic and can't type, and no, it's not my imagination. (or yours) Now I have much less friends. fewer?

I just wrote "race horsing" in an email to my friend.

just like nico wrote "sail boating".

I also talked to dave on the phone. He's exactly the SAME (no offense). Some one so obsessed with control and superiority at age 19 is sure to be a fucking wreck at age 25.

No offense but you're exactly the same.

well, i've been reading many other peoples' blogs. and apparently, they are filled with emotional and coherent thought. Happiness and frustration is documented in their blog. I thought "why isn't mine normal?" and it's true; it's the language of a lunatic, makes no sense and says nothing. So today I will write a normal entry. (try to).

Today I was on the phone with the health care agency. AND with a college. However, I hung up on the girl when she said "graduate admissions" I hung up because I was too scared & didn't know what I was going to say. Then, I called back but it was busy.

then I ignored my downstairs neighbor because he has been rude and didn't return my urgent phone messages. Then, I felt dizzy and I lay down in my bed and felt like I might faint. Well, blood was rudhing to my head and face at the store when I stood up quickly. I had to grab hold of the bed post which was for sale. Then I took a vitamin (2) and ate a peach. (nectarine).

Then, I talked to my friend and am gonna go over to her house tomorrow. Then, I talked to my other friend while she was riding on a bus. We talked about alot of things that are keeping us alive.

Also, earlier in the day I hallucinated that I saw a parking ticket on my car. ACTUALLY: I hallucinated the parking ticket. A few moments of fear, then acceptance. There goes another $15 bucks. Then I saw that it was just the reflection of the sun in the shape of a parking ticket. Then, I made nachos which were not bad. (really good) Then I saw Phinehas on the street but he didn't see me. (I said hi though).

Then I thought about J.G who has Christian Rock music playing on her myspace profile. Then I thought about France. (like every day) and the beautiful woman from Arizona who met her frenchie husband and now writes Francophile novels in coffeshoppes in the South of France. "Living the dream".

I also thought about how an Arab woman named "fatima" applied to a billion jobs in France and nothing. Then she changed the name on the resume to "Christine" and was called in for an interview.

Someone was recently at a Minnesota wedding where the couple had their first kiss on the altar. Make sense? Yeah, apparently it's that book "I kissed dating goodbye" which says that when you meet your future husband, God just tells you it's him and you get married. The premise is that in every relationship we have, a piece of our heart is removed so that by the time we meet our future hubbies, we have nothing left in our heart. So consoling. The secret here is: My mom bought me this book (Bless her heart). but what if your future husband doesn't believe in God and thinks you are a psycho?

Ok, thanks for reading and come again!
xo

happy birthday Jeanne Moreau (yesterday)

why do i love - jeanne moreau

January 24th National Suicide Day (today)

I'm about to kill myself for a variety of reasons: one of which being that I need to buy a USB cable for my printer. # 2 being that my room is a mess. third and lastly being that in my dream last night Chase bank sent me a check for $231 dollars; it was just a dream. (its not even my bank)

Now le'ts all join hands now for all of mankind standing on a bridge; be it the williamsburg bridge (NC) or the Amherst Bridge spanning the Connecticut River. Be it the Kingston Bridge (NY) or the Tampa-Clearwater (FL) Land Bridge (not that high). (FYI- the bridge would never be my method). (stomach too sensitive).

yes, everyones' hands are cracked and our elbows too. We are at the end of our rope. One more night of snow and being hours late for work because our cars were buried in the snow. You'd buy a USB cable but maybe the hardware closes in 5 minutes. and you'd be better at your job if you weren't thinking about sex every FIVE MINUTES. (and you work with kids, you sicko).

Bari used to tell me "if you are EVER considering.... (the unmentionable)... you can call me at ANY HOUR of the day or night"... she got knocked up though & now never returns my calls. (motherhood has changed her life).

happy birthday Jeanne. If your life ended today we'd all need kleenex to blot our eyes.

Ok. this isn't all I think about. For example:

S. is a true misogynist. Here is why: he was telling me about his mother, saying that she is perfect; too perfect actually. She cooks perfectly, she is perfectly dressed, her house is perfect.

Enough to make you BARF huh.

misogyne. (or just gay?)

Misogyny begins in the womb.

OR: the way D. tells me about the teacher in Calais who had acid thrown on her face. (Is this just folklore?) Yeah: battery acid apparently. The way you said it though, was not serious enough, did not take the fragility of human life seriously. maybe she was dreaming of croissants and romance atop le tour eiffel. and in Calais, a "beach" resort town.

maybe I am too hard on you. (I hate you for the *way* you told a story?)

Or that bitch Rebecca who couldn't even look at me in the eye on the bike path in RURAL FRANCE. I said "Hello" (it's human decency of course). That ugly bitch with a lime green jacket and wild for you- Nasty diseased New Zealand. your soul mate.

yeah maybe I'm too hard on you (asshole.)

women definitely should be pregnant and in the kitchen. Barefoot as well.

I personally will be spending some time loitering in front of the Italian Embassy. *Excuse me, do you have the time?* Because my damn watch broke.

Of course no one wants to work for it. But if I don't work for it there is just some thirty something health food market regular on the verge of tears in a Border's parking lot saying he would like to see me again. And that he didn't realize I was so young. but we can maybe really work out. If I don't work for it there is a special ed teacher asking the Superintendent for my phone number. So much for confidentiality.

So I need to work for it. New York is better for this. There are the Embassies. there is the subway. There is higher education. there is other stuff.

Today I went to the store. (no I didn't). I bought rice flour for my CUPCAKES because it's my friend's birthday (no it's not). Then I bought FROSTING but made sure to read the label for any dairy ingredients. Thankfully, there were none! Just chemically modulated forms of milk. Then, I bought leeks because I want to thin my body. Then, I made sure that the ice creams were buy one get one free. (They were!) so I bought three. I asked the cashier if I could get two free and he said "ok". I also asked him if he could give me a discount. for being a frequent shopper and publicity spokesperson. He was like "ok". So then I was like 'wait' I need to buy asparagus. he rolled his eyes because there was a big line. but it didn't matter because he had already put my discounts into the register so the people had to wait. so I went over to the vegetable place and bought 3 bags of carrots. because I am making a facial clay with real carrots. (isn't that disgusting?) so then finally I was like "I'm ready" "you can check me out now". so he was like "can I see some form of ID" and i thought 'that's weird" because I go in there every day, and I also had not bought alcohol. so I took out my wallet and showed him my Learner's Permit. He was like "I'm sorry ma'am but youll need to step aside here." and a policeman came out of the woodwork. He said "you have the right to remain silent; anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law" I was like DOES ANYONE MIND TELLING ME WHAT IS GOING ON?? Then sargent Lou was like "we're just kidding" but I looked at the whole line of people and they weren't really laughing. So I paid for everything really quickly because I was pretty much freaked out. I was scared because I almost forgot my Learner's Permit. I thought those people were serious. Obviously I didn't do anything wrong! Except ask for two free ice creams for the price of 0. Anyway so then I just walked home even though my bags were really heavy. Then I went to bed. That is what I did today and tomorrow I'll tell you what else I did yesterday. good night.